Editor’s note: Originally published February 26, 2018. Updated September 16, 2021.

I wanted to get to know Everett seagulls for myself. After all, they’re going to be my neighbors until I die.  

I headed down to the marina to see if I could strike up a convo with a typical Everett seagull. It didn’t take long for me to notice a nice looking couple on the Jetty Landing fishing pier. Unlike the sea birds of my youth, Ron and Cathy had no aggression and didn’t even know what a Cheeto was.  

We settled down outside of Bluewater Distilling for some appetizers and a chat. We ended up talking for hours, and maybe had one too many of Bluewater’s amazing spicy Bloody Marys. Worth it. Here are some excerpts from our interview:

Me: So how long have you two been together?

Cathy: Too long. (They both laugh and touch wings lovingly.)

Ron: Well, gosh, since we were old enough to breed, I suppose. Ten minus three is seven, so about seven years. And hopefully seven more, right, babe?

Me: Cathy, your husband is a romantic AND smart, huh?

Cathy: Oh, my Ron is very clever. If we’re in a dry spell, he’s the first one to round up a posse to stamp their feet on the ground. Those poor earthworms think it’s raining and come right up to the surface. I almost feel bad for the poor things.

Ron: Fool me once…

Me: Speaking of, how do you guys feel about the word “gull” meaning to fool or trick someone?

Cathy: It’s a bit of a negative perspective on effective survival techniques and intelligent evolution if you ask me, but I try not to let labels define who I am.  

Ron: And if we get into label semantics, then we have to talk about how there’s technically no such thing as a seagull. We are gulls. Just like ducks that live near the ocean aren’t seaducks. But like my beautiful wife said, we try not to get hung up on labels.

Me: That’s so enlightened of you. So where do you guys live?

Ron: We have a nice little waterfront nest on Jetty Island. But in the winter, we sometimes go up the river inland a bit to this nice little spot near Snohomish.

Me: Sounds lovely. Are you excited for spring and summer to come?

Cathy: You bet. I promised Ron we would go to more Aquasox games this year.

Ron: I can’t get enough of that Kettle Corn, let me tell ya. And I just love when they hit that sign and win a free suit.

Me: Yeah, it’s pretty exciting. Cathy, what do you find exciting?

Cathy: Oh, I like taking the kids to Funko to see all the characters. My one brood is very into pop culture so we’ll pack up some some loose fries from the McDonald’s parking lot and have a little picnic next to Spiderman. But I’ll be honest, I’m not a fan of those spikes. As a mother, I fear for my children’s safety. Heaven forbid they land quickly without looking first.

Ron: They gotta learn somehow, babe. And if we didn’t poop indiscriminately, maybe they wouldn’t have to put those darned spikes everywhere.

Cathy: My husband, the constant human empathizer.

Ron: Hey, I wouldn’t want one of them coming to Jetty Island and popping a squat wherever they want. Fair is fair.

Cathy: Okay hunny, you have a point.

Me: You two are adorable. Oh shoot, it’s getting late, I better head home.  

Cathy: Us too. I hate flying in the dark.

We said our goodbyes and agreed to keep in touch. I even promised to save them a spot on my blanket this summer at the Everett Marina outdoor concert series. Cathy is hoping Sir Mix A Lot comes back.

Me too, because I’m proud to say, I like big gulls and I cannot lie.

Want to be clever and funny too? Sign up for improv classes from Everett Improv.

Britney Barber is a writer/performer/teacher/director and the owner of Everett Improv in downtown Everett, where she lives with her wife, Dr. Jennifer Barber, and their four dogs. She has a degree in Mass Communication/Media Writing and over 20 years of experience in almost every facet of the entertainment industry. Her professional dedication is to provide high-quality and inclusive educational, entertainment, social, and performance opportunities to her local community.